so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
