words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
