Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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