I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
