i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
