i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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