There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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