I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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