the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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