I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't deserve a penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
