I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What drink are we having for lunch?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
