I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
