Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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