there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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