Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
