i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
