If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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