: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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