Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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