Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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