whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he thought i was a dude.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
