I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
