Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
