I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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