Umm I'm too high to move.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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