I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
