I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
