I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
