I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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