Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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