A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
