felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
