Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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