Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
