Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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