We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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