since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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