i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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