i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
