I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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