my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
