Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
