i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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