Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My life is pants optional.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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