I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
