The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
