my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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