My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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