This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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