i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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