Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
