The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
