My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
