Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
