Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
