my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
