He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
