btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Randomize
