i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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