Pants 0. Shit 1.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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