Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world