Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
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Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires